An English professor wrote the words:
"A woman without her man is nothing"
on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.
All of the males in the class wrote:
"A woman, without her man, is nothing."
All the females in the class wrote:
"A woman: without her, man is nothing."
Punctuation is powerful..and the fight b/w the two is never ending :)
May 25, 2010
Things to wonder
1. When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
2. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane
crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
3. Who copyrighted the copyright symbol?
4. Can you cry under water?
5. Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day?
6. Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?
7. Do fish ever get thirsty?
8. Can you get cornered in a round room?
9. Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep?
10. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oilis made from
vegetables,then what is baby oil made from?
11. What should one call a male ladybird?
12. If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember what they forgot?
13. Can you blow a balloon up under water?
14. Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
15. If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be ! Able to hear it?
16. If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your
headlights on, what happens?
17. Why is it called a TV set when there is only one?
18. Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road?
19. If drink & drive is not allowed why the hell they have parking in
Bars?
2. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane
crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
3. Who copyrighted the copyright symbol?
4. Can you cry under water?
5. Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day?
6. Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?
7. Do fish ever get thirsty?
8. Can you get cornered in a round room?
9. Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep?
10. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oilis made from
vegetables,then what is baby oil made from?
11. What should one call a male ladybird?
12. If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember what they forgot?
13. Can you blow a balloon up under water?
14. Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
15. If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be ! Able to hear it?
16. If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your
headlights on, what happens?
17. Why is it called a TV set when there is only one?
18. Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road?
19. If drink & drive is not allowed why the hell they have parking in
Bars?
A man with confidence shall not lose; only doubt will bring defeat :)
The business executive was deep in debt and could see no way out.
Creditors were closing in on him. Suppliers were demanding payment. He sat on the park bench, head in hands, wondering if anything could save his company from bankruptcy. Suddenly an old man appeared before him.
"I can see that something is troubling you," he said.
After listening to the executive's woes, the old man said, "I believe I can help you."
He asked the man his name, wrote out a check, and pushed it into his hand saying, "Take this money. Meet me here exactly one year from today, and you can pay me back at that time."
Then he turned and disappeared as quickly as he had come. The business executive saw in his hand a check for $500,000, signed by John D.
Rockefeller, then one of the richest men in the world!
"I can erase my money worries in an instant!" he realized. But instead, the executive decided to put the uncashed check in his safe.
Just knowing it was there might give him the strength to work out a way to save his business, he thought.
With renewed optimism, he negotiated better deals and extended terms of payment. He closed several big sales. Within a few months, he was out of debt and making money once again.
Exactly one year later, he returned to the park with the uncashed check.
At the agreed-upon time, the old man appeared. But just as the executive was about to hand back the check and share his success story, a nurse came running up and grabbed the old man.
"I'm so glad I caught him!" she cried. "I hope he hasn't been bothering you. He's always escaping from the hospital and telling people he's John D. Rockefeller. "
And she led the old man away by the arm.
The astonished executive just stood there, stunned. All year long he'd been wheeling and dealing, buying and selling, convinced he had half a million dollars behind him.
Suddenly, he realized that it wasn't the money, real or imagined, that had turned his life around. It was his newfound self-confidence that gave him the power to achieve anything he went after.
Creditors were closing in on him. Suppliers were demanding payment. He sat on the park bench, head in hands, wondering if anything could save his company from bankruptcy. Suddenly an old man appeared before him.
"I can see that something is troubling you," he said.
After listening to the executive's woes, the old man said, "I believe I can help you."
He asked the man his name, wrote out a check, and pushed it into his hand saying, "Take this money. Meet me here exactly one year from today, and you can pay me back at that time."
Then he turned and disappeared as quickly as he had come. The business executive saw in his hand a check for $500,000, signed by John D.
Rockefeller, then one of the richest men in the world!
"I can erase my money worries in an instant!" he realized. But instead, the executive decided to put the uncashed check in his safe.
Just knowing it was there might give him the strength to work out a way to save his business, he thought.
With renewed optimism, he negotiated better deals and extended terms of payment. He closed several big sales. Within a few months, he was out of debt and making money once again.
Exactly one year later, he returned to the park with the uncashed check.
At the agreed-upon time, the old man appeared. But just as the executive was about to hand back the check and share his success story, a nurse came running up and grabbed the old man.
"I'm so glad I caught him!" she cried. "I hope he hasn't been bothering you. He's always escaping from the hospital and telling people he's John D. Rockefeller. "
And she led the old man away by the arm.
The astonished executive just stood there, stunned. All year long he'd been wheeling and dealing, buying and selling, convinced he had half a million dollars behind him.
Suddenly, he realized that it wasn't the money, real or imagined, that had turned his life around. It was his newfound self-confidence that gave him the power to achieve anything he went after.
luck and performance
Luck matters ;-)
With a pile of 300 resumes on his desk and a need to pick someone quickly, my boss told me to make calls on the bottom 50 and toss the rest. "Throw away 250 resumes?" I asked, shocked.
"What if the best candidates are in there?"
"You have a point," he said. "But then again, I don't need people with bad luck here."
- Becky Horowitz(Reader's digest)
Performance & Position ;-)
A Priest dies & is awaiting his turn in line at the Heaven's Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.
God asks him: Please tell me who are you, so that I may know whether to admit you into the kingdom of Heaven or not?
The guy replies: I am Pandi, Auto driver from Chennai!
God consults his ledger, smiles & says to Pandi: Please take this silken robe & gold scarf & enter the Kingdom of Heaven...
Now it is the priest's turn. He stands erect and speaks out in a booming voice: I am Pope's Assistant so & so, Head Priest of the so & so Church for the last 40 years.
God consults his ledger & says to the Priest: Please take this cotton robe & enter the Kingdom of Heaven...
'Just a minute,' says the agonized Priest. 'How is it that a foul mouthed, rash driving Auto Driver is given a Silken robe & a Golden scarf and me, a Priest, who's spent his whole life preaching your Name & goodness has to make do with a Cotton robe?'
'Results my friend, results,' shrugs God.
'While you preached, people SLEPT; but when he drove his Auto, people PRAYED' It's PERFORMANCE & not POSITION that ultimately counts.
With a pile of 300 resumes on his desk and a need to pick someone quickly, my boss told me to make calls on the bottom 50 and toss the rest. "Throw away 250 resumes?" I asked, shocked.
"What if the best candidates are in there?"
"You have a point," he said. "But then again, I don't need people with bad luck here."
- Becky Horowitz(Reader's digest)
Performance & Position ;-)
A Priest dies & is awaiting his turn in line at the Heaven's Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.
God asks him: Please tell me who are you, so that I may know whether to admit you into the kingdom of Heaven or not?
The guy replies: I am Pandi, Auto driver from Chennai!
God consults his ledger, smiles & says to Pandi: Please take this silken robe & gold scarf & enter the Kingdom of Heaven...
Now it is the priest's turn. He stands erect and speaks out in a booming voice: I am Pope's Assistant so & so, Head Priest of the so & so Church for the last 40 years.
God consults his ledger & says to the Priest: Please take this cotton robe & enter the Kingdom of Heaven...
'Just a minute,' says the agonized Priest. 'How is it that a foul mouthed, rash driving Auto Driver is given a Silken robe & a Golden scarf and me, a Priest, who's spent his whole life preaching your Name & goodness has to make do with a Cotton robe?'
'Results my friend, results,' shrugs God.
'While you preached, people SLEPT; but when he drove his Auto, people PRAYED' It's PERFORMANCE & not POSITION that ultimately counts.
Don't copy if you can't paste
A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience. He said, 'The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!'
The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added, '... and that woman was my mother!' Laughter and applause.
A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a drink, and he said loudly, 'The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!'
His wife went red with shock and rage.
Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out '... and I can't remember who she was!'
Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't paste!
The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added, '... and that woman was my mother!' Laughter and applause.
A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a drink, and he said loudly, 'The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!'
His wife went red with shock and rage.
Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out '... and I can't remember who she was!'
Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't paste!
some good reads..
I Have Learned that...
... the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
... when you're in love, it shows.
... just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.
... having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
... being kind is more important than being right.
... you should never say no to a gift from a child.
... I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.
... no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
... sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
... simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
... life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
... we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
... money doesn't buy class.
... it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
... under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
... the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?
... to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
... when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
... love, not time, heals all wounds.
... the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
... everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
... there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.
... no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
... life is tough, but I'm tougher.
... opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
... when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
... I wish I could have told my Dad that I love him one more time before he passed away.
... one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
... a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
... I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.
... when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.
... everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
... it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation.
... the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.
... the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
... when you're in love, it shows.
... just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.
... having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
... being kind is more important than being right.
... you should never say no to a gift from a child.
... I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.
... no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
... sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
... simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
... life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
... we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
... money doesn't buy class.
... it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
... under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
... the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?
... to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
... when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
... love, not time, heals all wounds.
... the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
... everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
... there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.
... no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
... life is tough, but I'm tougher.
... opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
... when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
... I wish I could have told my Dad that I love him one more time before he passed away.
... one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
... a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
... I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.
... when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.
... everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
... it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation.
... the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.
10 marketting skills
Written by WiseCamel.com "(not me)
Like you, I like strippers.(not me- mamalado)
However, I generally find myself leaving the strip club with an empty wallet. Any business that can get you to spend all of your money is a good one to be in.
But while walking out of a club one evening, I realized that a big reason they have such a good business is because strippers are such great salespeople. It is not simply due to the fact that they are selling to stupid, horny men like myself, but because they use a lot of highly effective sales and marketing techniques.
You too can achieve great success by applying sales and marketing techniques of strippers. Here are the 10 sales and marketing techniques I have learned from strippers:
Sales Technique #1 – Give them something for nothing
One of the first things a stripper will do is come up to you and flirt with you. She will likely sit on your lap or do something to raise your excitement level. For this, you have to do nothing. But you do get a sample of the service and if it is a good one, your chances of buying the service increases. This also applies to the dances they do on the stage.
Sales Technique #2 – Understand your customers
Strippers get to know their customers by asking questions. This allows them to develop a rapport and tailor the sales pitch?
Sales Technique #3 – Tailor the Sales Pitch
Strippers will try different sales pitches to different people based on what she thinks they like. “I like to get dirty” or “Have you seen my great ass?” or “My tits are real”. Each pitch may be the one thing that converts the potential customer into a buyer. (Pointing out a tight ass works well for me). And she revises her pitch based on experience.
Sales Technique #4 – Make sure you are selling a great product/service
She knows she has to have a great product. If she put on 30 pounds or hadn’t showered for the past 4 days, she would likely not get as many customers. Regardless of how great of a salesperson you are, you can’t do much with a crappy product/service.
Sales Technique #5 – Provide Good Customer Service
She will make sure you are happy on your first dance or she won’t get repeat business or won’t be able to do what she ultimately set out to do?Upsell.
Sales Technique #6 – Upsell
She sells the customer on a relatively cheap service, a lapdance, but then markets her other services to them. She tries to get them to the “champagne room” and sell an upgraded service, which is where the money is at. However, without the first sale, she would never get the larger sale. Customer acquisition is tough. Once she does it, she needs to get as much business as she can.
Sales Technique #7 – Closing Techniques
She will use a variety of closing techniques to get you to buy her services. There are a variety of closing techniques, but two popular ones used by strippers are the compliment close (usually flirting with you) and companion close (getting your buddies to push you into closing the deal).
Sales Technique #8 – Target your audience
Strippers market to individuals that are interested in her service. First, she works in a strip club where guys go specifically for her service, that is obvious. But she also knows which guys to go after within a group or which groups will likely spend the most money. Spending time with cheap-asses only wanting to pay a dollar for a dance will not be a wise use of he precious time.
Sales Technique #9 – Persistence
Even though the audience is qualified, she knows she will get rejections. Even so, she will go up to every guy and ask if they need a lap dance. She also knows that the more guys she asks, the more yes’s she will get.
Sales Technique #10 – Branding
I don’t know any strippers that are named Ethel, Mildred or Agnus. Instead, you will get the pleasure to do business with Cookie, Destiny, Candy, or Raven.
not written by me
Like you, I like strippers.(not me- mamalado)
However, I generally find myself leaving the strip club with an empty wallet. Any business that can get you to spend all of your money is a good one to be in.
But while walking out of a club one evening, I realized that a big reason they have such a good business is because strippers are such great salespeople. It is not simply due to the fact that they are selling to stupid, horny men like myself, but because they use a lot of highly effective sales and marketing techniques.
You too can achieve great success by applying sales and marketing techniques of strippers. Here are the 10 sales and marketing techniques I have learned from strippers:
Sales Technique #1 – Give them something for nothing
One of the first things a stripper will do is come up to you and flirt with you. She will likely sit on your lap or do something to raise your excitement level. For this, you have to do nothing. But you do get a sample of the service and if it is a good one, your chances of buying the service increases. This also applies to the dances they do on the stage.
Sales Technique #2 – Understand your customers
Strippers get to know their customers by asking questions. This allows them to develop a rapport and tailor the sales pitch?
Sales Technique #3 – Tailor the Sales Pitch
Strippers will try different sales pitches to different people based on what she thinks they like. “I like to get dirty” or “Have you seen my great ass?” or “My tits are real”. Each pitch may be the one thing that converts the potential customer into a buyer. (Pointing out a tight ass works well for me). And she revises her pitch based on experience.
Sales Technique #4 – Make sure you are selling a great product/service
She knows she has to have a great product. If she put on 30 pounds or hadn’t showered for the past 4 days, she would likely not get as many customers. Regardless of how great of a salesperson you are, you can’t do much with a crappy product/service.
Sales Technique #5 – Provide Good Customer Service
She will make sure you are happy on your first dance or she won’t get repeat business or won’t be able to do what she ultimately set out to do?Upsell.
Sales Technique #6 – Upsell
She sells the customer on a relatively cheap service, a lapdance, but then markets her other services to them. She tries to get them to the “champagne room” and sell an upgraded service, which is where the money is at. However, without the first sale, she would never get the larger sale. Customer acquisition is tough. Once she does it, she needs to get as much business as she can.
Sales Technique #7 – Closing Techniques
She will use a variety of closing techniques to get you to buy her services. There are a variety of closing techniques, but two popular ones used by strippers are the compliment close (usually flirting with you) and companion close (getting your buddies to push you into closing the deal).
Sales Technique #8 – Target your audience
Strippers market to individuals that are interested in her service. First, she works in a strip club where guys go specifically for her service, that is obvious. But she also knows which guys to go after within a group or which groups will likely spend the most money. Spending time with cheap-asses only wanting to pay a dollar for a dance will not be a wise use of he precious time.
Sales Technique #9 – Persistence
Even though the audience is qualified, she knows she will get rejections. Even so, she will go up to every guy and ask if they need a lap dance. She also knows that the more guys she asks, the more yes’s she will get.
Sales Technique #10 – Branding
I don’t know any strippers that are named Ethel, Mildred or Agnus. Instead, you will get the pleasure to do business with Cookie, Destiny, Candy, or Raven.
not written by me
what is love?
Most people who claim to love someone don’t really love them, because they don’t know what love actually is.
What is love NOT?
Possessiveness is not love
Jealousy is not love
Lust is not love
Fear is not love
Keeping people all to yourself is not love
Expecting something from someone is not love
Real love is unconditional. All other “forms” of love are not really love. Most parents and kids don’t love each other, most people in relationships don’t love each other, most people on the planet never experience unconditional love in their entire lives… or at least it sure looks that way.
To love someone unconditionally means that you love the person exactly as they are, exactly as they were before, and exactly as they will be in the future - because people change all the time, so if you love the person, you will love them even if they become something you disagree with. How many parents can say that about their kids? How many people can say that about their “lover”? Love is not about you or your pleasure or your amusement. It’s not about what you get out of it or what the other person can give to you. It’s not about having a trophy you can show off with and tell people “This is *MY* girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband/son/daughter/whatever”. You do not “own” anyone. It’s not about you feeling ‘proud’ to be with someone who always agrees with everything you say and do and never does anything you disagree with. Unconditional love means that the person can just live their life exactly as they choose and you will always be there for them no matter what.
So, how does unconditional love fit in with relationships and marriage and sex and all that stuff the whole world keeps going crazy over? It doesn’t, really. It doesn’t “fit” in anywhere. Relationships are like trying to put love into a box and keep it there, except love is infinitely sized, and the box is… well, there is no box large enough. And a normal, conventional marriage is quite possibly the worst possible way to show someone how much you love them.
Unconditional love is more of a spiritual thing. It’s not bound by physical things, like blood relations and the desire to procreate. It has nothing whatsoever to do with sex. Most people are in relationships because they’re horny and/or lonely, even if they genuinely think they love the other person. But if the person they “love” suddenly lost their “equipment” for whatever reason, would they still want to be with that person? Would they get jealous if the person they “love” wanted to spend time with other people as well? Relationships based on needs are not unconditional.
In order to truly understand love, you must first forget everything you have ever learned about it from society and anyone else (including what I just said). You are the only person who can tell you what love is. The only reason I’m writing all this stuff is because people always try to fit “love” in with things like dating, relationships and marriage and all that. You can’t make any sense of it if you keep doing that. You have to get rid of everything you think you know first.
What is love NOT?
Possessiveness is not love
Jealousy is not love
Lust is not love
Fear is not love
Keeping people all to yourself is not love
Expecting something from someone is not love
Real love is unconditional. All other “forms” of love are not really love. Most parents and kids don’t love each other, most people in relationships don’t love each other, most people on the planet never experience unconditional love in their entire lives… or at least it sure looks that way.
To love someone unconditionally means that you love the person exactly as they are, exactly as they were before, and exactly as they will be in the future - because people change all the time, so if you love the person, you will love them even if they become something you disagree with. How many parents can say that about their kids? How many people can say that about their “lover”? Love is not about you or your pleasure or your amusement. It’s not about what you get out of it or what the other person can give to you. It’s not about having a trophy you can show off with and tell people “This is *MY* girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband/son/daughter/whatever”. You do not “own” anyone. It’s not about you feeling ‘proud’ to be with someone who always agrees with everything you say and do and never does anything you disagree with. Unconditional love means that the person can just live their life exactly as they choose and you will always be there for them no matter what.
So, how does unconditional love fit in with relationships and marriage and sex and all that stuff the whole world keeps going crazy over? It doesn’t, really. It doesn’t “fit” in anywhere. Relationships are like trying to put love into a box and keep it there, except love is infinitely sized, and the box is… well, there is no box large enough. And a normal, conventional marriage is quite possibly the worst possible way to show someone how much you love them.
Unconditional love is more of a spiritual thing. It’s not bound by physical things, like blood relations and the desire to procreate. It has nothing whatsoever to do with sex. Most people are in relationships because they’re horny and/or lonely, even if they genuinely think they love the other person. But if the person they “love” suddenly lost their “equipment” for whatever reason, would they still want to be with that person? Would they get jealous if the person they “love” wanted to spend time with other people as well? Relationships based on needs are not unconditional.
In order to truly understand love, you must first forget everything you have ever learned about it from society and anyone else (including what I just said). You are the only person who can tell you what love is. The only reason I’m writing all this stuff is because people always try to fit “love” in with things like dating, relationships and marriage and all that. You can’t make any sense of it if you keep doing that. You have to get rid of everything you think you know first.
farewell song
Songwriters: Deutschendorf, John
All my bags are packed Im ready to go
Im standing here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say good-bye
But the dawn is breaking, its early morn
The taxis waiting, hes blowing his horn
Already Im so lonesome I could die
So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that youll wait for me
Hold me like youll never let me go
Cause Im leaving on a jet plane
I dont know when Ill be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go
Theres so many times Ive let you down
So many times Ive played around
I tell you now, they dont mean a thing
Every place I go Ill think of you
Every song I sing I sing for you
When I come back Ill wear your wedding ring
So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that youll wait for me
Hold me like youll never let me go
Cause Im leaving on a jet plane
I dont know when Ill be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go
Now the time has come to leave you
One more time let me kiss you
And close your eyes and Ill be on my way
Dream about the days to come
When I dont have to leave alone
About the times that I wont have to say
Oh kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that youll wait for me
Hold me like youll never let me go
Cause Im leaving on a jet plane
I dont know when Ill be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go
Cause Im leaving on a jet plane
I dont know when Ill be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go
Im leaving on a jet plane
I dont know when Ill be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go
Im leaving on a jet plane
Leaving on a jet plane
Leaving on a jet plane
Leaving on a jet plane
All my bags are packed Im ready to go
Im standing here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say good-bye
But the dawn is breaking, its early morn
The taxis waiting, hes blowing his horn
Already Im so lonesome I could die
So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that youll wait for me
Hold me like youll never let me go
Cause Im leaving on a jet plane
I dont know when Ill be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go
Theres so many times Ive let you down
So many times Ive played around
I tell you now, they dont mean a thing
Every place I go Ill think of you
Every song I sing I sing for you
When I come back Ill wear your wedding ring
So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that youll wait for me
Hold me like youll never let me go
Cause Im leaving on a jet plane
I dont know when Ill be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go
Now the time has come to leave you
One more time let me kiss you
And close your eyes and Ill be on my way
Dream about the days to come
When I dont have to leave alone
About the times that I wont have to say
Oh kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that youll wait for me
Hold me like youll never let me go
Cause Im leaving on a jet plane
I dont know when Ill be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go
Cause Im leaving on a jet plane
I dont know when Ill be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go
Im leaving on a jet plane
I dont know when Ill be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go
Im leaving on a jet plane
Leaving on a jet plane
Leaving on a jet plane
Leaving on a jet plane
May 24, 2010
10 Office Rules
A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen". "What's your name?" she asked. He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."
10 Office Rules:
10. Never walk without a document -- People with documents look like hardworking employees headed to important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're headed for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're headed for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you really do.
9. Use computers to look busy -- Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about, but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss -- and you will get caught -- your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.
8. Messy desk -- only top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
7. Voice mail -- Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing -- they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there -- it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.
6. Look impatient and annoyed -- According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give off the impression that you're always busy.
5. Leave the office late -- Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important e-mails at unearthly hours (i.e. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.
4. Creative sighing for effect -- Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.
3. Stacking strategy -- It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor, etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).
2. Build vocabulary -- Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember, they don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.
1. MOST IMPORTANT -- DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!
10 Office Rules:
10. Never walk without a document -- People with documents look like hardworking employees headed to important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're headed for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're headed for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you really do.
9. Use computers to look busy -- Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about, but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss -- and you will get caught -- your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.
8. Messy desk -- only top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
7. Voice mail -- Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing -- they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there -- it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.
6. Look impatient and annoyed -- According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give off the impression that you're always busy.
5. Leave the office late -- Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important e-mails at unearthly hours (i.e. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.
4. Creative sighing for effect -- Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.
3. Stacking strategy -- It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor, etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).
2. Build vocabulary -- Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember, they don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.
1. MOST IMPORTANT -- DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!
May 23, 2010
Answering machine at the Mental Hospital...
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline ...
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, Social Security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, Social Security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.