medicine & computer jokes

Good News

The doctor took his patient into the room and said, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
The patient said, “Give me the good news.”
“They're going to name a disease after you.”


Advantage of Jargons

A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the exam was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”
“Well, in plain English,” the doctor said, “you're just lazy.”
“Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

The Price of Choice

The Brain Surgeon was about to perform a brain transplant.” You have your choice of two brains,” he told the patient, “For $1000 you can have the brain of a psychologist, or for $10,000 you can have the brain of a politician.”
The patient was amazed at the huge difference in price. “Is the brain of a politician that much better?” he asked.
The Brain Surgeon replied, “No, it's not better, just unused.”

Insurance Proceeds

A doctor had just bought a villa on the French Riviera, when met an old lawyer friend whom he hadn't seen in years, and they started talking. The lawyer, as it turned out, owned a nearby villa. They discussed how they came to retire to the Riviera.
“Remember that lousy office complex I bought?” asked the lawyer, “Well, it caught fire, and I retired here with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?”
The doctor replied, “Remember that real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds. It's amazing that we both ended up here in pretty much the same way.”
“It sure is,” the lawyer replied, looking puzzled, “but I'm confused about one thing – how do you start a flood?”

Organic chemistry

In a university, there were four students taking Organic Chemistry. They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester.

These four friends were so confident with the finals approaching that the weekend before, they decided to go down to the beach and party with some friends there. They had a great time. However, after all the hard partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Campus until early Monday morning - the morning of their final exam!

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor AFTER the exam and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to do some research in the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tyre, on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they only just arrived now!

The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up their final exam the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied hard that night - all night - and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them.

He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. The first problem was worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they all thought in their separate rooms, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page.

Question 2 (for 95 points): Which tyre?

Latest in Viruses

Titanic virus.....Makes your whole computer go down
Disney virus....Everything in the computer goes Goofy
Mike Tyson virus......Quits after one byte
Woody Allen virus...Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card
Saddam Hussein virus....Won't let you into any of your programs
Spice Girls virus....Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop
Oprah Winfrey virus.....Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands to 300MB
AT&T virus.....Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus.....Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back


bad luck


A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck”