Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
July 31, 2010
July 22, 2010
10 funny things to do during a serious meeting
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1. Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the 'real' reason this meeting has been called.
2. Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.
3. During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like you are building up to an orgasm.
4. Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming.
5. Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it.
6. Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room.
7. Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.
8. When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, "Well, here's the way I see it, J.B..." (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss's.)
9. Complain loudly that your neighbor won't stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it.
10. Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say "uh-huh, uh-huh!"
July 16, 2010
Husband store
A new, special kind of store just opened up in a shopping center. This store sells husbands, yes that's right - women can browse men from floors of choices.
Actually, there are 6 floors of men, and with an increase in the floor level bringing an positive attributes... a nifty setup - with a catch. As you open the door to any floor, you may choose a man from that floor but if you go up, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. Interesting, right?
So a young woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 7,548,652 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor only exists as proof that women are impossible to please.
May 25, 2010
Punctuation is powerful
An English professor wrote the words:
"A woman without her man is nothing"
on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.
All of the males in the class wrote:
"A woman, without her man, is nothing."
All the females in the class wrote:
"A woman: without her, man is nothing."
Punctuation is powerful..and the fight b/w the two is never ending :)
"A woman without her man is nothing"
on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.
All of the males in the class wrote:
"A woman, without her man, is nothing."
All the females in the class wrote:
"A woman: without her, man is nothing."
Punctuation is powerful..and the fight b/w the two is never ending :)
Things to wonder
1. When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
2. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane
crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
3. Who copyrighted the copyright symbol?
4. Can you cry under water?
5. Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day?
6. Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?
7. Do fish ever get thirsty?
8. Can you get cornered in a round room?
9. Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep?
10. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oilis made from
vegetables,then what is baby oil made from?
11. What should one call a male ladybird?
12. If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember what they forgot?
13. Can you blow a balloon up under water?
14. Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
15. If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be ! Able to hear it?
16. If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your
headlights on, what happens?
17. Why is it called a TV set when there is only one?
18. Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road?
19. If drink & drive is not allowed why the hell they have parking in
Bars?
2. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane
crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
3. Who copyrighted the copyright symbol?
4. Can you cry under water?
5. Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day?
6. Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?
7. Do fish ever get thirsty?
8. Can you get cornered in a round room?
9. Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep?
10. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oilis made from
vegetables,then what is baby oil made from?
11. What should one call a male ladybird?
12. If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember what they forgot?
13. Can you blow a balloon up under water?
14. Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
15. If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be ! Able to hear it?
16. If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your
headlights on, what happens?
17. Why is it called a TV set when there is only one?
18. Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road?
19. If drink & drive is not allowed why the hell they have parking in
Bars?
luck and performance
Luck matters ;-)
With a pile of 300 resumes on his desk and a need to pick someone quickly, my boss told me to make calls on the bottom 50 and toss the rest. "Throw away 250 resumes?" I asked, shocked.
"What if the best candidates are in there?"
"You have a point," he said. "But then again, I don't need people with bad luck here."
- Becky Horowitz(Reader's digest)
Performance & Position ;-)
A Priest dies & is awaiting his turn in line at the Heaven's Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.
God asks him: Please tell me who are you, so that I may know whether to admit you into the kingdom of Heaven or not?
The guy replies: I am Pandi, Auto driver from Chennai!
God consults his ledger, smiles & says to Pandi: Please take this silken robe & gold scarf & enter the Kingdom of Heaven...
Now it is the priest's turn. He stands erect and speaks out in a booming voice: I am Pope's Assistant so & so, Head Priest of the so & so Church for the last 40 years.
God consults his ledger & says to the Priest: Please take this cotton robe & enter the Kingdom of Heaven...
'Just a minute,' says the agonized Priest. 'How is it that a foul mouthed, rash driving Auto Driver is given a Silken robe & a Golden scarf and me, a Priest, who's spent his whole life preaching your Name & goodness has to make do with a Cotton robe?'
'Results my friend, results,' shrugs God.
'While you preached, people SLEPT; but when he drove his Auto, people PRAYED' It's PERFORMANCE & not POSITION that ultimately counts.
With a pile of 300 resumes on his desk and a need to pick someone quickly, my boss told me to make calls on the bottom 50 and toss the rest. "Throw away 250 resumes?" I asked, shocked.
"What if the best candidates are in there?"
"You have a point," he said. "But then again, I don't need people with bad luck here."
- Becky Horowitz(Reader's digest)
Performance & Position ;-)
A Priest dies & is awaiting his turn in line at the Heaven's Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.
God asks him: Please tell me who are you, so that I may know whether to admit you into the kingdom of Heaven or not?
The guy replies: I am Pandi, Auto driver from Chennai!
God consults his ledger, smiles & says to Pandi: Please take this silken robe & gold scarf & enter the Kingdom of Heaven...
Now it is the priest's turn. He stands erect and speaks out in a booming voice: I am Pope's Assistant so & so, Head Priest of the so & so Church for the last 40 years.
God consults his ledger & says to the Priest: Please take this cotton robe & enter the Kingdom of Heaven...
'Just a minute,' says the agonized Priest. 'How is it that a foul mouthed, rash driving Auto Driver is given a Silken robe & a Golden scarf and me, a Priest, who's spent his whole life preaching your Name & goodness has to make do with a Cotton robe?'
'Results my friend, results,' shrugs God.
'While you preached, people SLEPT; but when he drove his Auto, people PRAYED' It's PERFORMANCE & not POSITION that ultimately counts.
Don't copy if you can't paste
A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience. He said, 'The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!'
The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added, '... and that woman was my mother!' Laughter and applause.
A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a drink, and he said loudly, 'The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!'
His wife went red with shock and rage.
Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out '... and I can't remember who she was!'
Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't paste!
The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added, '... and that woman was my mother!' Laughter and applause.
A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a drink, and he said loudly, 'The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!'
His wife went red with shock and rage.
Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out '... and I can't remember who she was!'
Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't paste!
10 marketting skills
Written by WiseCamel.com "(not me)
Like you, I like strippers.(not me- mamalado)
However, I generally find myself leaving the strip club with an empty wallet. Any business that can get you to spend all of your money is a good one to be in.
But while walking out of a club one evening, I realized that a big reason they have such a good business is because strippers are such great salespeople. It is not simply due to the fact that they are selling to stupid, horny men like myself, but because they use a lot of highly effective sales and marketing techniques.
You too can achieve great success by applying sales and marketing techniques of strippers. Here are the 10 sales and marketing techniques I have learned from strippers:
Sales Technique #1 – Give them something for nothing
One of the first things a stripper will do is come up to you and flirt with you. She will likely sit on your lap or do something to raise your excitement level. For this, you have to do nothing. But you do get a sample of the service and if it is a good one, your chances of buying the service increases. This also applies to the dances they do on the stage.
Sales Technique #2 – Understand your customers
Strippers get to know their customers by asking questions. This allows them to develop a rapport and tailor the sales pitch?
Sales Technique #3 – Tailor the Sales Pitch
Strippers will try different sales pitches to different people based on what she thinks they like. “I like to get dirty” or “Have you seen my great ass?” or “My tits are real”. Each pitch may be the one thing that converts the potential customer into a buyer. (Pointing out a tight ass works well for me). And she revises her pitch based on experience.
Sales Technique #4 – Make sure you are selling a great product/service
She knows she has to have a great product. If she put on 30 pounds or hadn’t showered for the past 4 days, she would likely not get as many customers. Regardless of how great of a salesperson you are, you can’t do much with a crappy product/service.
Sales Technique #5 – Provide Good Customer Service
She will make sure you are happy on your first dance or she won’t get repeat business or won’t be able to do what she ultimately set out to do?Upsell.
Sales Technique #6 – Upsell
She sells the customer on a relatively cheap service, a lapdance, but then markets her other services to them. She tries to get them to the “champagne room” and sell an upgraded service, which is where the money is at. However, without the first sale, she would never get the larger sale. Customer acquisition is tough. Once she does it, she needs to get as much business as she can.
Sales Technique #7 – Closing Techniques
She will use a variety of closing techniques to get you to buy her services. There are a variety of closing techniques, but two popular ones used by strippers are the compliment close (usually flirting with you) and companion close (getting your buddies to push you into closing the deal).
Sales Technique #8 – Target your audience
Strippers market to individuals that are interested in her service. First, she works in a strip club where guys go specifically for her service, that is obvious. But she also knows which guys to go after within a group or which groups will likely spend the most money. Spending time with cheap-asses only wanting to pay a dollar for a dance will not be a wise use of he precious time.
Sales Technique #9 – Persistence
Even though the audience is qualified, she knows she will get rejections. Even so, she will go up to every guy and ask if they need a lap dance. She also knows that the more guys she asks, the more yes’s she will get.
Sales Technique #10 – Branding
I don’t know any strippers that are named Ethel, Mildred or Agnus. Instead, you will get the pleasure to do business with Cookie, Destiny, Candy, or Raven.
not written by me
Like you, I like strippers.(not me- mamalado)
However, I generally find myself leaving the strip club with an empty wallet. Any business that can get you to spend all of your money is a good one to be in.
But while walking out of a club one evening, I realized that a big reason they have such a good business is because strippers are such great salespeople. It is not simply due to the fact that they are selling to stupid, horny men like myself, but because they use a lot of highly effective sales and marketing techniques.
You too can achieve great success by applying sales and marketing techniques of strippers. Here are the 10 sales and marketing techniques I have learned from strippers:
Sales Technique #1 – Give them something for nothing
One of the first things a stripper will do is come up to you and flirt with you. She will likely sit on your lap or do something to raise your excitement level. For this, you have to do nothing. But you do get a sample of the service and if it is a good one, your chances of buying the service increases. This also applies to the dances they do on the stage.
Sales Technique #2 – Understand your customers
Strippers get to know their customers by asking questions. This allows them to develop a rapport and tailor the sales pitch?
Sales Technique #3 – Tailor the Sales Pitch
Strippers will try different sales pitches to different people based on what she thinks they like. “I like to get dirty” or “Have you seen my great ass?” or “My tits are real”. Each pitch may be the one thing that converts the potential customer into a buyer. (Pointing out a tight ass works well for me). And she revises her pitch based on experience.
Sales Technique #4 – Make sure you are selling a great product/service
She knows she has to have a great product. If she put on 30 pounds or hadn’t showered for the past 4 days, she would likely not get as many customers. Regardless of how great of a salesperson you are, you can’t do much with a crappy product/service.
Sales Technique #5 – Provide Good Customer Service
She will make sure you are happy on your first dance or she won’t get repeat business or won’t be able to do what she ultimately set out to do?Upsell.
Sales Technique #6 – Upsell
She sells the customer on a relatively cheap service, a lapdance, but then markets her other services to them. She tries to get them to the “champagne room” and sell an upgraded service, which is where the money is at. However, without the first sale, she would never get the larger sale. Customer acquisition is tough. Once she does it, she needs to get as much business as she can.
Sales Technique #7 – Closing Techniques
She will use a variety of closing techniques to get you to buy her services. There are a variety of closing techniques, but two popular ones used by strippers are the compliment close (usually flirting with you) and companion close (getting your buddies to push you into closing the deal).
Sales Technique #8 – Target your audience
Strippers market to individuals that are interested in her service. First, she works in a strip club where guys go specifically for her service, that is obvious. But she also knows which guys to go after within a group or which groups will likely spend the most money. Spending time with cheap-asses only wanting to pay a dollar for a dance will not be a wise use of he precious time.
Sales Technique #9 – Persistence
Even though the audience is qualified, she knows she will get rejections. Even so, she will go up to every guy and ask if they need a lap dance. She also knows that the more guys she asks, the more yes’s she will get.
Sales Technique #10 – Branding
I don’t know any strippers that are named Ethel, Mildred or Agnus. Instead, you will get the pleasure to do business with Cookie, Destiny, Candy, or Raven.
not written by me
May 24, 2010
10 Office Rules
A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen". "What's your name?" she asked. He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."
10 Office Rules:
10. Never walk without a document -- People with documents look like hardworking employees headed to important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're headed for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're headed for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you really do.
9. Use computers to look busy -- Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about, but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss -- and you will get caught -- your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.
8. Messy desk -- only top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
7. Voice mail -- Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing -- they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there -- it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.
6. Look impatient and annoyed -- According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give off the impression that you're always busy.
5. Leave the office late -- Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important e-mails at unearthly hours (i.e. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.
4. Creative sighing for effect -- Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.
3. Stacking strategy -- It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor, etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).
2. Build vocabulary -- Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember, they don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.
1. MOST IMPORTANT -- DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!
10 Office Rules:
10. Never walk without a document -- People with documents look like hardworking employees headed to important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're headed for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're headed for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you really do.
9. Use computers to look busy -- Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about, but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss -- and you will get caught -- your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.
8. Messy desk -- only top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
7. Voice mail -- Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing -- they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there -- it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.
6. Look impatient and annoyed -- According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give off the impression that you're always busy.
5. Leave the office late -- Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important e-mails at unearthly hours (i.e. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.
4. Creative sighing for effect -- Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.
3. Stacking strategy -- It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor, etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).
2. Build vocabulary -- Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember, they don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.
1. MOST IMPORTANT -- DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!
May 23, 2010
Answering machine at the Mental Hospital...
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline ...
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, Social Security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, Social Security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
May 19, 2010
Professional test
You might heard this before but it is always fun reading it again...
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a "professional". Scroll down for the answers after you have thought about it. The questions are not that difficult.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator ?
Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory.
OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions, correctly you still have one more chance to show your abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have
the brains of a four year old.
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a "professional". Scroll down for the answers after you have thought about it. The questions are not that difficult.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator ?
Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory.
OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions, correctly you still have one more chance to show your abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have
the brains of a four year old.
Five minutes Chinese language
i found some more:
He's cleaning his automobile.
Wa Shing Ka.
Has your flight been delayed?
Hao Long Wei Ting?
They have arrived.
Hia Dei Kum.
I got this for free.
Ai No Pei.
You know lyrics to the Macarena?
Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?.
Phew! Does this bathroom stink!
Hu Flung Dung?
May 18, 2010
Malaysian english
Malaysia English vs Britian English ...
Who says our English is bad. Just see below - Ours is simple,short,concise, straight-to-point, effective etc. The English did invent the English Language, but they cannot use it economically when communicating their intentions. Compare these phrases that Malaysians and Britons use to say the same thing: So, why make things so confusing and waste of money when you are and a long distance call.
WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS
Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
Malaysians: No Stock.
RETURNING A CALL
Britons: Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago?
Malaysians: Hallo, who page?
ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY.
Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?
Malaysians: S-kew me
WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY
Britons: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
Malaysians:No-need, lah.
WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
Malaysians: (pointing the door) can ar?
WHEN ENTERTAINING
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.
Malaysians: Don't be shy, lah!
WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE
Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.
Malaysians: Where got?
WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER
Britons: I'd prefer not to do that, if you don't mind.
Malaysians: Doe-waaaan!
IN DISAGREEING ON A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION
Britons: Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're
coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said about the issue.
Malaysians: You mad, ah?
WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR VOICE.
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please ! lower your voice, I'm trying to concentrate over here.
Malaysians: Shaddap lah!
WHEN ASKING SOMEONE IF HE/SHE KNOWS YOU.
Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time. Do I know you?
Malaysians: See what, see what?
WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT SITUATION.
Britons: We seem to be in a bit of a predicament at the moment.
Malaysians: Die-lah!!
WHEN TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED
Britons: Will someone tell me what has just happened?
Malaysians: Wat happen Why like dat????ADUI!!! (jumping to conclusion)
WHEN SOME ONE DID SOMETHING WRONG
Britons: This isn't the way to do it here let mne show you.
Malaysians:Hoi!!!u pig ar like dat also doe no how to do!!!!
WHEN ONE IS ANGRY
Britons: Would you mind not disturbing me
Malaysians:Celaka u!!!
Who says our English is bad. Just see below - Ours is simple,short,concise, straight-to-point, effective etc. The English did invent the English Language, but they cannot use it economically when communicating their intentions. Compare these phrases that Malaysians and Britons use to say the same thing: So, why make things so confusing and waste of money when you are and a long distance call.
WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS
Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
Malaysians: No Stock.
RETURNING A CALL
Britons: Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago?
Malaysians: Hallo, who page?
ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY.
Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?
Malaysians: S-kew me
WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY
Britons: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
Malaysians:No-need, lah.
WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
Malaysians: (pointing the door) can ar?
WHEN ENTERTAINING
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.
Malaysians: Don't be shy, lah!
WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE
Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.
Malaysians: Where got?
WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER
Britons: I'd prefer not to do that, if you don't mind.
Malaysians: Doe-waaaan!
IN DISAGREEING ON A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION
Britons: Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're
coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said about the issue.
Malaysians: You mad, ah?
WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR VOICE.
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please ! lower your voice, I'm trying to concentrate over here.
Malaysians: Shaddap lah!
WHEN ASKING SOMEONE IF HE/SHE KNOWS YOU.
Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time. Do I know you?
Malaysians: See what, see what?
WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT SITUATION.
Britons: We seem to be in a bit of a predicament at the moment.
Malaysians: Die-lah!!
WHEN TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED
Britons: Will someone tell me what has just happened?
Malaysians: Wat happen Why like dat????ADUI!!! (jumping to conclusion)
WHEN SOME ONE DID SOMETHING WRONG
Britons: This isn't the way to do it here let mne show you.
Malaysians:Hoi!!!u pig ar like dat also doe no how to do!!!!
WHEN ONE IS ANGRY
Britons: Would you mind not disturbing me
Malaysians:Celaka u!!!
May 16, 2010
Eight words women use...
1.)
Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.
2.)
Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.)
Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine.
4.)
Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5.)
Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.)
That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a wom an
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.)
Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say
you're welcome.
8.)
Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's
wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.Then you RUN!
Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.
2.)
Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.)
Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine.
4.)
Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5.)
Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.)
That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a wom an
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.)
Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say
you're welcome.
8.)
Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's
wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.Then you RUN!
Reason to never visit a Seven Star Hotel
Question : "What would you like to have ..Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?"
Answer: "tea please"
Question : " Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea ?"
Answer : "Ceylon tea "
Question : "How would you like it ? black or white ?"
Answer: "white"
Question: "Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk ?"
Answer: "With milk "
Question: "Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk"
Answer: "With cow milk please.
Question: " Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?"
Answer: " Um, I'll take it black. "
Question: " Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"
Answer: "With sugar"
Question: " Beet sugar or cane sugar ?"
Answer: "Cane sugar "
Question:" White , brown or yellow sugar ?"
Answer: "Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead."
Question: "Mineral water or still water ? "
Answer: "Mineral water"
Question: "Flavored or non-flavored ?"
Answer: "I'll rather die of thirst
Answer: "tea please"
Question : " Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea ?"
Answer : "Ceylon tea "
Question : "How would you like it ? black or white ?"
Answer: "white"
Question: "Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk ?"
Answer: "With milk "
Question: "Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk"
Answer: "With cow milk please.
Question: " Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?"
Answer: " Um, I'll take it black. "
Question: " Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"
Answer: "With sugar"
Question: " Beet sugar or cane sugar ?"
Answer: "Cane sugar "
Question:" White , brown or yellow sugar ?"
Answer: "Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead."
Question: "Mineral water or still water ? "
Answer: "Mineral water"
Question: "Flavored or non-flavored ?"
Answer: "I'll rather die of thirst
Management Lesson
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk."I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an Endless supply of pinna coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Management lesson?
Always let your boss have the first say.
The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk."I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an Endless supply of pinna coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Management lesson?
Always let your boss have the first say.
May 11, 2010
8 types annoying people in theatres
obviously we have all encountered these people at one time or another. Some of these people make it a habit to show up for every film. The 8 types of people you find in a theater are guaranteed to annoy the living shit out of you..and there’s not much you can do about it.
8. The person that sits next to you when other seats are available.
Seriously, I know I am not the only person that gets annoyed by this. There you are sitting comfortably next to your friends when all of the sudden some lonely “I came to the movies by myself and just want to sit by someone” douchebag who you never met, sits right next to you and kinda stays leaning in your direction. This person also hogs the armrest most of the time and can be seen conversing with the loud popcorn eater at various times. Seriously, pick a seat not so close to me and we can all get along. Unless you are a sexy and hot chick. That I am ok with.
7. The super loud popcorn eater.
Crunch, crunch, smack, crunch…! AAAHHH how annoying this is. This is particularly bad during the really quite parts of the film when something really important to the story is happening. All the while the only thing you can hear is that stupid crunch sound that infects every part of your ear canal. It doesn’t end there, wait until they reach into the bag after shaking it vigorously, then dig around a bit for the perfect handful. If you are next to me I will make sure and spill my coke on your brand new shoes.
6. A person that lives up to that “loud in the movie theatre” stereotype.
There you are enjoying Iron Man when all of the sudden you here, “Aw shit, that’s nonsense!” You know what I’m talking about. This person is usually not alone and is accompanied by at least 5-20friends who you seriously want to kick their ass but are too afraid of getting capped to speak up.
5. Repeats every catchy quote within seconds after it is said.
Oh the ever catchy a witty movie lines that end up on t-shirts, posters and the puns for numerous popular images across the web. Don’t get me wrong as most are freaking genius but I really don’t need it repeated over and over again till it’s old right after it begins. Do the world a favor and save it for the water cooler chat the next day. Better yet, slap that shit on a tee and make some money with that before the rich people get a hold of it!
4. Teenage girl that continually talks or texts.
Not much to say about this other than..beep,beep,beep, blah blah blah,, and more irrelevent chatter and sounds that makes me want to shove something in your mouth to keep you occupied for the next 90 minutes.
3. Your friend that’s seen it before and insists on letting you know when “something is about to happen”.
I bet you have one of these in your circle. I know I do and it really pisses me off! This person obviously gets a a kick out of it for some off reason or another. Did you not get enough attention as a child? I’m all for a few subtle hints but don’t give away the whole plot in the first ten minutes. Next time I will leave you to drink at home by yourself.
2. That little brat behind you that keeps bumping the back of your chair
Your child must have just gotten out of karate and you stupidly decided to see a movie at the last minute. Why do parents insist on bringing these children to the theater late at night? Hey honey I got an idea. Lets take our kids to a crowded theatre at 9pm, fill them with all kinds of delicious sugar filled goodies, and hope they stay in one spot long enough to give me a break from the reality that my life no longer belongs to me. Too bad you can’t just turn around and give the little shit the kicking it deserves. Or maybe you should kick the irresponsible parent.
and the winner is…..
1. The crying baby
Have you ever heard the sound a train makes at 2am when you are trying to sleep? Well it’s kind of like that but worse. At least the train rolls by and keeps on moving. Why do parents think it is a good idea to bring an infant to a movie? I do not really understand why this happens all the time.
Right to left
A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns
from his Middle East assignment.
A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East,
I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch
as Cola is virtually unknown there.
But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic.
So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters...
First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand...
Totally exhausted and panting.
Second poster, the man is drinking our Cola and
Third, our man is now totally refreshed.
Then these posters were pasted all over the place"
"That should have worked," said the friend.
The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic,
I also didn't realise that Arabs Read from Right to Left..."
leave
So you want the day off? Let's take a look at what you are asking for....
There are 365 days per year available for work.
There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.
Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.
You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break. That accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.
With a one hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.
You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available for work.
We are off for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.
We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be Damned if you're going to take that day off!!!
SICK LEAVE POLICY
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
SUBJECT: SICK LEAVE POLICY
SICKNESS:
No excuse...We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
AN OPERATION:
We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.
DEATH:
Other than your own:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.
Your own:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.
ALSO:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00-8:15, and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again.
We appreciate your cooperation,
THE MANAGEMENT