Method 1: Jumping Off
You will need:
* A good high building or cliff
* No regrets
1. Locate a nice high building or cliff to jump off of.
2. Go to the top.
3. Jump.
4. Do a flip.
5. Do a barrel roll.
6. Rinse.
7. Repeat.
8. Die
This method has a number of advantages. It's simple. It's dramatic. You can save on funeral costs and have yourself buried in a pizza box. On the other hand, if it's raining, your clothes will get soaked and your body will just wash down the drain.
Method 2: Complete Exsanguination
You will need:
* A sharp object. Razors, scissors, broken glass, or biting criticism all work
* A rafter or other high support
* A Rope
1. Using the rope, tie your ankles together so that you are hanging from the rafters in a head-down posture.
2. Grasp the sharp object in your hand, and draw it swiftly across your neck. Be sure to cut deep enough so that you get all four major blood vessels.
3. Make a puddle on the floor. Or use a bucket for the Red Cross. Or use a bucket for a local vampire bat family.
4. Admire your handiwork.
Anyone can kill themselves by slitting their wrists. A true artist goes for a complete exsanguination.
Method 3: Jumping off a Plane
You will need:
* Plane Ticket
* A red AIR ASIA cap
1. Make a Skydiving Reservation
2. Ignore instructor during flight
3. Refuse parachute and jump to your death
4. Optional: Aim for pigeons as you plummet to the earth
5. Optional: Wear a cape and a superman suit
For those of you that have never liked to listen to directions, this is an obvious choice. You get to your goal and continue your longstanding tradition of ignoring the words of others.
Method 4: Car Death
You will need:
* Some sort of motoring infrastructure such as a road with cars, trucks or buses
1. Find a speeding car.
2. Wait until the car is in range.
3. Walk in front of the car and watch as the car hits you.
4. You're dead, nothing to it.
5. Unless they swerve and kill someone else in the process. But, then you'll have even more reason to die! ^_^
This method is recommended for those people that loathe all the crass materialism involved with other suicide methods. Even the luxury of clothes is not required with this method.
Method 5: Suicide Bombing
You will need
* Atomic bomb
* A location where someone carrying an atom bomb won't look out of place.
* Religious tract of your choice. The Kama Sutra is a particularly good option, but you could also try the Book of Common Prayer or the Analects
1. Walk to a suitable street corner. Street corners are the proper place to do anything important.
2. Set up them the bomb.
3. Yell something incomprehensible in a foreign language. Some possibilities are "MA BITE EST EN FEU !" or "9時から布団4枚!!!"
4. Cover your testicles
5. Generate a mushroom cloud.
If you've ever wanted to have your passing remembered, this is the method for you. However, it is wise to make sure that before you blow yourself up you make sure people know who you are. You don't want someone else hogging all the glory, do you?
Method 6: Great White Shark
You will need
* A plane ticket to Hawaii, Australia, South Africa or other shark-infested waters
* Boat
* String
* Chum
* A bucket of blood
* Peterson's Field Guide To Sharks
* Life Jacket
* A sharp object (optional)
1. Find shark-infested waters. The Great Barrier Reef is perfect, but Hawaii will do.
2. Rent a boat and head offshore into deep water. Make sure you pack a life preserver and a whistle ency.
3. Pour some chum over yourself and a bucket's worth into the water.
4. Wait for the fins to appear- this is important! If you get in the water before the sharks appear, you may die of hypothermia before you get eaten.Hypothermia never makes page 1 in newspapers.
5. If you do not see any fins, cut your self and put your hand into the water. They should speed towards you.
6. This is where the field guide comes in- you want to make sure it's a great white that eats you. Death by blue shark just doesn't sound as cool.
7. When you see a big one, hop right in.
8. The shark does the rest.
Imagine how jealous the parents of that other kid are going to be! They'll open up the paper expecting a nice piece on little Johnny's suicide, but his OD will be a tiny blurb in the corner. Meanwhile, you get front page with your suicide-by-shark! Nobody will even go to his funeral- his friends will all be like, "Yeah, it's too bad. But this other dude- man, he got killed by a shark! I can't wait to see that. I hear it's open casket and you can see the bite marks and everything! I'm sorry to miss Johnny's wake, but how many times do you get to see a dude who's been gnawed in half by a shark?"
Method 7: Pop Rocks & Coke
You will need
* Coke, as many as possible
* Pop Rocks
1. First, you're gonna need to lie down, naked, on the couch.
2. Open the cokes and the pop rocks.
3. Put the packet of pop rocks in each of the coke cans.
4. Now pour it ALL over your body.
5. This should dissolve into your body and eventually, you fall asleep and die.
Method 8: Emotionally Disturbing Piano Wire Beheading
You will need
* Superglue
* Piano wire
1. Find a very tall building, overlooking a public place. Stand on top of it with lots of piano wire and some superglue.
2. Tie one end of a piece of piano wire 5 meters short of the ground to your ankles. Secure the other end to the top of the building.
3. Tie one end of a piece of piano wire 10 meters short of the ground in a lasso around your neck, so it can tighten when pulled. Secure the other end to the top of the building.
4. Glue your hands to your head so that you can't go back.
5. Jump!
The result: at 10 meters from the ground, the piano wire around your neck will tighten and slice your head off. Your head will, however, not fall because it is stuck to your hand. You will be found dangling upside down 5 meters from the ground with your head stuck to your hand.
And a record 45,099 people have killed themselves after witnessing a piano-wire suicide and the number just keeps rising. What a coincidence!
Method 9: Extreme Sexual Exhaustion
You will need
* Viagra
* Whores
* A Bed
1. First you will need to withdraw your lifesaving's (like you'll need it anyway) and run into the Pharmacy.
2. Take some time into selecting a perfect bed. Temperpedic is for the slow-go, while the spring mattresses will provide more bang for your buck.
3. Once you've picked your bed, take the ENTIRE bottle of Viagra.
4. Have sex and Do NOT stop until your heart has exploded.
Method 10: Overkill
You will need
* Gun
* Piano wire/Good rope
* Portable pool
* Sharks
* Tall Building
* A friend
This method is for those who have actually failed at failing. (And even if you do manage to bungle this sure fire method...well...it's still entertaining ;D.))
1. Find a very tall building, overlooking a public place.
2. Get to the roof. Remember, use the stairs, not the elevator. You don't want to die from a faulty elevator!
3. Tie a noose around your neck, and secure it to the building. Make sure the rope extends to the bottom, so you hit the ground and still break your neck. Alternatively, you may use the piano wire method above.
4. Get a friend to position a pool at the bottom, and dump the sharks into it.
5. Load the gun, and stick it inside your mouth.
6. Jump!
What will happen: The rope should kill you, ripping your head off as you hit the bottom. If the rope breaks, the fall would still kill you. If THAT doesn't work, you can still pull the trigger for the gun and blow your brains out. What? Still not dead? Then the sharks will eat you. This is recommended for Emos, who seem to be completely unable to kill themselves.
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